Cut the Shit

Update

So I'm home and my cable and DSL is working. I'm no longer trapped in my cave and feeling desolate. This depression crash wasn't about the cable being out...that only made it the straw that broke the depressed kid's back.

I had an incredible phone call with my mom this afternoon, after I wrote my initial post. It's my dad's and her anniversary today (31 years! - damn!) and we talked all about it for a good five minutes. Then she said "So how are you?" I went from pretending to be completely normal to saying "Mom...I'm really not good today and..." - that's when I started to cry. I was sitting on the curb in front of my office building and I started to cry. It was humiliating, but I couldn't help it. I felt so SAD inside and my mom's simple question released the storm.

Wonderfully tho...my mom understands this depression thing well. She let me cry and get out my insanity and then she immediately started to give me options of what I could do tonight to make me feel better...all the while saying "I know that this is an easy solution and probably doesn't make you feel any better". Amazingly, she has the ability to ride the fine line between listening to me and offering help, but never making it about her nor comparing it to a time when she was depressed. FEW people can talk to a depressed person and make them feel genuinely better (I am not one of those people).

My mom's got the gift. And in the matter of a phone call, she turned my day around. She gave me hope and reminded me that she prays for me every day, asking God to make my depression take a backseat so that I can function like a normal human being. It may sound cheesy, but for those of us that believe strongly in prayer, hearing that my mother and father do that on a daily basis makes me feel important and incredibly loved. At the end of the conversation, I thanked her and apologized repeatedly for being so needy (I can't help it...always feeling guilty) and gave her one last "Happy Anniversary". We got off the phone and know what she did?

She stayed a little late at work and sent me an ecard. And not just a lame ecard...an appropriately specific and funny ecard. And her message was "You know that I'm always just a phone call away."

This woman is everything to me. God...she owns so much of my heart, it's unbelievable.

Right now I feel ok. Not depressed, not happy...just kind of worn out. I feel like I've just come back from an exhausting hike. It's been a strange and overwhelming couple of hours. And I'm glad to be able to go back to feeling content again.

Lastly...and I won't say much about it...cuz everyone and their mother's mother is already saying too much...

I clicked on Perez Hilton before I signed on to Blogger and saw even more obsessive Britney coverage. Now, I do love Perez Hilton and obsessively check his page whenever I'm at the computer and I don't blame him in particular for any of his reporting...

BUT

Britney Spears is absolutely falling apart. And it is VERY clear to me that the primary cause for her acting out is based on living underneath the most vile of microscopes - the fucking media. She's made some major mistakes in the last few years, just as we ALL do. I have so many secrets in my life and I would DIE if it was splayed on the cover of every major magazine. This poor girl is being hosed by every single person she comes into contact with. She escapes with drugs, she blows her senses out so that she can finally experience that dull "I don't care what people think about me" feeling. That's not an addiction, that's an extreme cry for help.

She is actually a human being. Shocking, right? It's so easy to sit here and bash her and that's exactly what's led her to this extreme downward spiral. Leave the girl the fuck alone! SERIOUSLY.

I read a quote recently that was base, but it's still in my head. "You can only beat a dog so many times before he gets off the porch."

It's inevitable. Stalk Britney at the clubs, stalk Britney at Starbucks, stalk Britney at FUCKING REHAB and you watch what happens.

The girl is going to feel SO low that she's gonna drive to a remote hotel and kill herself.

No?

Don't be naive.

You can say that it's us that made her a star, but does that mean that we're allowed to break her down to the point where she doesn't even have the OPTION of getting better...figuring her shit out...growing up? Cuz when she does, we're right there WAITING for her to drop the ball - WAITING for the moment when we can laugh and point and have something to talk about.

The media is destroying her and the fact that CNN (CNN!?!?!) has devoted so much time to this, since she shaved her head bald, is appaling.

It's unforgiveable.

These will be the same people that, when she does something as extreme as suicide, will turn around and make a shitload of money off of covering it for another 6 months to a year.

It's one thing to be into a star's life and to see a video of them being refused entrance to HYDE...but this...

This is the worst showcase of humanity that I've seen in the entertainment world to date.

Whatever. I feel for this girl and if anyone has the gumption to start mouthing off about her "nonsense" in front of me, I'm going to feel comfortable putting them in their place.

Unless they have a gun.

Then I'll just "shhh". Guns make it an uneven playing field and I don't think me talking them to death is going to work.

Night.

*Thank you to RANGEFINDERMAG.COM for the pic. http://www.rangefindermag.com

Oh. It’s You. The Reminder of My Past Self

If you’re a blogger, you spend countless hours sitting around thinking about what your next post is going to be. More often than not, those great ideas never come to fruition, because when you sit down to write, you end up going with your heart. That’s what’s happened to me today.

I woke up this morning and realized that my cable TV and DSL were offline. Rather than do my usual routine of sitting in the living room and watching my morning program, I sat in the dark and smoked an extra cigarette, the deafening silence and darkness ripping at my soul.

I called Time Warner and was told that my building is experience an “outage” and most likely will be restored before 6pm tonight. I can only hope.

I left for work, felt incredibly anxious on the subway, and sat at my desk, bored to tears. With all of that extra time to contemplate my life, I about sent myself into a complete downward spiral by lunchtime. I did what only an experienced depressed boy does. I went to a restaurant with my book and drank some wine and ate a cheeseburger. Man, it felt good, considering that I’ve been trying to eat healthy these days.

But then I got back to work and this incredible sadness set in. I’m talking - to the guttural roots of your insides - kind of sadness. If I could puke it out and rid myself of the toxin I would. Unfortunately, this is exactly what depression feels like and it’s been so long since I’ve had a crash that I almost didn’t recognize it for what it is.

The physical body ache, the mental obsession with failure, the self-absorbed thought that no one would care if I went home and took a hundred sleeping pills.

It’s the ugliest of mindsets that a person can have and for a while I lived with it daily. Since the start of this year, I’ve felt so strong, so capable…so…content. Of course I have bad days and I do tend to cry more than the average person (privately, obviously)…but ultimately, I haven’t felt hopeless.

Today I do. No matter how desperately I try to shake it free, concentrating on its removal almost makes it worse, more intense.

The shittiest part about this feeling is that I have no one at work that I can casually talk to about it. I’ve established myself as the guy who is a listener, not a speaker. I trust no one here with my heart and because of that I have no one to turn to when I feel so down and out.

Usually I would think…I’ll run home, turn on the TV, make myself a drink or dinner or both and relax. But there is no TV. There is no computer. There is only my phone. Which, in all honesty, is the last thing I want to use when I feel like this.

It might be home and right to bed for this boy tonight.

A Grey Thursday

Just a quickie today…

I can’t get over how fantastic Grey’s Anatomy is. Every week it just gets better and better. It’s now becoming one of my absolutely “must see” television shows every week. The writing is outstanding. There hasn’t been a single episode that doesn’t reduce to me to a blithering mess. Each actor on the show is wonderfully cast, but every time that Chandra Wilson, Sandra Oh, and Katherine Heigl are on the screen, I stare and listen intently to every word that comes out of their mouths. They give some fierce performances. My favorite line last night was when Sandra Oh’s character was describing her friendship with Meredith to her fiancé (the homophobe, lest we forget how much he sucks). “She’s my person.” That’s exactly how I feel about my close girls. They are my “people”. I chose these girls as my best friend’s because I count on them, they always know where I’m coming from, even when I do something ridiculously stupid. But mostly, it’s because they love me unconditionally. Because of this, I would do anything for them. If they killed someone, my first question would definitely be “Where should we hide the body?” In my opinion, having friendships like these are imperative to my survival.

In conclusion…if Grey’s kills off Meredith next week, I will be devastated, but I will only be more impressed with the risks that this show takes on a weekly basis. When she got pushed into the water last week, I literally screamed “NO!” Riveting and exciting.

And I’m sorry, but Eric Dane (McSteamy) is still one of the most beautiful men on television.

DAMMIT this show rocks.

Have a wonderful weekend all!

Valentime’s with a POT PIE!

I was out of work for the first two days of this week with a wicked bad cold. I didn’t even enjoy my time off as my bones and skin hurt. It was pure misery. But luckily I was better enough by yesterday to have a nice holiday with my favorite boy.

Valentine’s Day and Paul’s Birthday was pretty wonderful this year. I got to start mine out by leaving work early to attend a rather un-pleasant visit to the dentist’s office to get a filling redone. That was painful and smelled like burnt sienna, but it’s over and now I can live with my “gorgeous teeth” in peace. Man, my dentist made one comment and I just can’t stop thinking about it. However, the new filling feels smooth and deeeeeeeeeeeeelightful.

When I got home, I made Paul the ugliest heart-shaped cookie cake (half sugar, half chocolate chip) you’ve ever seen. I put candles on it and hid it in our bedroom closet so that he wouldn’t know I had made it. Then I got started on making him dinner. I’ve been a cooking BEAST these days. I’ve got this new Rachael Ray cook book that is not only easy to use, it inspires me to think outside the box. For example, there was a recipe for this Shrimp pasta I hadn’t heard of before. I followed some of the directions and tweaked it so that it fit in with the rest of my meal…and lo and behold…it was great!

Then, since it was Paul’s birthday, I made him a chicken pot pie. In my world, that equals BARF, but in Paul’s world, it equals ABSOLUTE YUM. I gotta say, I was nervous about how it would turn out, but when I pulled it out of the oven and served it up, even I enjoyed a slice of it. The filling was outstanding, but I still hate pie crust with every fiber in my body. Then I made some garlic bread and Paul whipped up some Crab Rangoon in our Fry Daddy. We gorged and gorged and then held our bellies until it was time for dessert. Did someone say Valentine’s Day or did someone say “Eat like you’re a starving homeless baby?”

As we were cleaning up, Paul asked if we should put a candle in the pot pie so that he could make a birthday wish. I scoffed at that idea and then covertly slipped into the bedroom and lit up the cake I made. I walked out with it and sang “Happy Birthday” and Paul grinned from ear to ear. He was so cute about it. He made his wish and then I served up ice cream on crumbled up cookie pieces. We gorged on that and then REALLY held our bellies for an hour. But hey! It was his birthday and we were allowed to eat like monsters.

Paul opened up his presents and didn’t like a single one. He’s so hard to buy for. My mom got him a new watch, which he will return since he hates wearing them. I got him a gift bag with all sorts of shit in it and then a massage at Bliss spa. Paul explained that he doesn’t want to go without me, so we’re going to find a day when we can both go and get our muscles relaxed. I didn’t know it was MY birthday too, but I’ll take it!

My gift this year was the best. Paul got me $20 in lottery scratch-off tickets (I LOVE doing them, although I didn’t win a single dollar) and a gift certificate to Duane Reade…which I loved the most. I spend so much money there every month, so this truly allows me to buy red bull and cigarettes for free. He also wrote me the sweetest card and that of course made my heart smile.

After that we just hung out and talked. Then off to bed for cuddling and laughing. Due to Paul’s work schedule, I haven’t had a Wednesday night with him in ages. I can’t explain how happy I was to have him home with me last night. It makes the week easier to get through when I have him around. Now we just have to focus on planning his party, which at this point is scheduled for March 5th – as I said, he does work A LOT.

Something I’m excited about…if you haven’t been to Broadway to see a show, you don’t know what you’re missing! Get here and see one! There are so many good things to see right now. Up next on my schedule of shows is Spamalot, A Chorus Line (which has garnered some wonderful reviews), and the one I REALLY can’t wait to see…Spring Awakening! Some say it’s the new RENT. I don’t know if anything could compare to the genius that is RENT, but I’m more than willing to give it a shot. I also heard that Les Mis is on its way back and if I get the money, I’m in. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea and it’s definitely not a show that I know ALL the words too, like the true fans, but I just love being swept up into the story. I find it extraordinarily beautiful.

Lastly…as I’ve mentioned in here before, I’m working on a new play. It’s starting to take some shape and I’m getting pretty pumped about it. Definitely more to follow on this in the coming weeks.

Stay warm everyone! There’s so much snow all over the country…especially you poor folks up in Oswego. Man I wish I still went to school there. I’d be home watching my trash TV for days on end! Oswego was so beautiful when there was 8 tons of snow on the ground.

Have a great day all!

Happy Valentine's Day to All!

AND

Happy 30th BIRTHDAY to my favorite boy on the planet...PAUL!

Hey Joe! Whaddya Know?

Hi friends!

I’ve been totally lax in my writing this week. I’ve just been busy in my personal life and then our server crashed at work, which just sent everything into a tailspin. I’ve been working at my job for almost 6 years and every document I created in that time has been lost. Fun! Luckily I wasn’t the only one that lost their files, so we’re all kind of working together to get everything replaced. And yes, I just about bored MYSELF to tears with that story.

In any case, my Super Bowl Sunday was fantastic. It was everything I hoped it would be and more. Honestly. All of my close girls were there with their respective girlfriends. I can’t remember the last time the 8 of us were all in the same room together. It was a fucking blast. Paul and I made homemade potato skins, homemade Chex mix, and I did that bean dip I had mentioned in my last post – ‘cept instead of 7 layers, I made 12! It was pretty damn tasty. We also brought over a bottle of champagne, vodka and two bottles of wine. I mean…were we planning on spending the next 3 days there? It was insane. But a wicked amount of fun.

Paul and I left at some point during the 3rd quarter (and after seeing the incredibly disappointing half-time show. Prince makes me yawn the mouth right off my face. Sing Diamonds and Pearls or shut the F up). When we got home, we watched a bit more of the game and the recap of the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet. For some reason, that show makes Paul and I shit ourselves with laughter. I especially love when one of the dogs does something miniscule, like bark and lay down, and then they do an instant replay of it over and over. Just the dog…barking and laying down. Replayed over and over and over. It’s ludicrous and hilarious.

After that Paul and I spent hours making each other laugh. I came up with this whole routine of the Super Bowl party and was walking around impersonating him and everyone else. We were honestly crying, we laughed so hard. Paul ended up spilling 3 drinks in 15 minutes and then he literally pissed himself cuz the laughter got out of control. You can’t even mention the name “Debbie Gibson” without him busting out into a guffaw now (long story). We rolled into bed around 3am that night, happy and fulfilled.

The week just kind of took off from that point. Tyler had a vet appointment and he’s in great shape! He weighs 8.46 pounds and the vet said that he’s doing well (all the people cooing and cuddling him made me so proud to have an adorable dog). Later that day, I made a fairly complicated version of Chicken Kiev for dinner (it took me 4 hours to create) and luckily it came out perfect (I’m totally learning how to cook for real!). I just love that America's Test Kitchen.

On Wednesday I had a teeth cleaning and if you know Joe, you know how deeply I fear going to the dentist. I barely slept for two days in anticipation of the visit. But once I got there, I had no cavities and the dentist said I had “gorgeous teeth”. WHO KNEW?! I was ELATED and pretty much coasted through the rest of the week because of that compliment. Flossing really is the way to healthy gums!

Tonight I have my friend SUBES coming to town to spend the night with me. I have a game planned and we’ll have some appetizers and go to a fun dinner. Then later tonight, my parents will come to town for the weekend (they’re seeing Altar Boyz at my request and I just know they’re going to love it – being the Born Again Christians that we are). Busy busy busy busy busy weekend! And then next week is Valentine's Day and Paul's 30th birthday. I'm psyched.

As I mentioned earlier, my emotions are more in control when I keep myself busy and don’t coop myself up at home watching television every night. I’ve been spending a lot of time with a variety of different people and also spending more time with my best girls. And because of that, I’m doing very well overall. I started this year off on a very positive note and I gotta say…I haven’t lost that “happy to be alive” feeling yet. Of course there have been some down points, but they’ve been few and far between. I can’t believe its February and I haven’t once wanted to put a bullet in my skull. It’s a first. Trust me.

Lastly, the news of Anna Nicole Smith’s death was incredibly depressing to me. I mean, I wasn’t a big fan of hers and it was just a matter of time before the drug abuse got the best of her. But it was still sad and somewhat shocking to know that her destiny was fulfilled in such a way. I will no longer say anything negative about her and I think that my overall opinion of her has changed. I guess death can do that to an opinion. Just so, so sad, especially for her poor baby girl.

That’s it for today! Much love to you all!

The BEST Day of the Week!

YES! It's FRIDAY! I can't tell you how psyched I am! This week was brutality, but I got through it and then some. I've got really fun plans tonight with some gays, a nice quiet day scheduled for tomorrow and then a super fun Super Bowl party to go to on Sunday. And I'm even off from work on Monday...so it will all end up being just that much SUPER!

Everything's going pretty well. Nothing tragic or snarky to report today. Although I have realized that I don't want LiLo to die anymore. It's her mother that I want dead. That bitch is crazy and the rumors you've read about her being a nightmare are totally true. Her visit to Lindsay in rehab was the most deplorable stunt I've seen on any gossip show. She's trash, regardless of the diamonds lacing her neck. Sick.

Now that that's been cleared up. Enjoy the game! Or if you're like me, enjoy the food, the drinks, and the loud talking that will surely ensue. I will be making THIS as my contribution to the festivities. Cept mine will have more layers and no olives. You understand.


I'm rooting for the BEARS this year. Just cuz I like bears better than colts. Obviously.

Have fun!